dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
