so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
