Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
