On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
