who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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