Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Randomize
