im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
