Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
