I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
