Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
