i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
