girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
