she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
