are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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