ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
