When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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