Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
