i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
