low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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