his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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