i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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