I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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