Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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