this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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