So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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