why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
