I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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