The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
