Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
porn star boner night. come get it.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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