I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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