i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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