he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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