I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
