You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
