Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
