I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
