White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
