When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
