wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
