I don't remember. Are we still dating?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
