I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize