So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
