My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I think my vagina is haunted
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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