i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
