Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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