shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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