Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
