Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
