I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I party with great urgency now.
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