time to smoke my breakfast
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
