I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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