I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
