If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize