Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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