he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
