can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I need to sanitize my soul.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
