Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
