I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
