I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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