I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
