OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
