I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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