Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
